Good golly, am I ever limping to the finish.
And honestly, I don’t think I’m alone. A lot of the people I read and listen to have been bellyaching a bit about their gambling exploits this year in the NFL.
True story: I have never been down in an NFL season when taking DFS and regular ol’ sports betting into account.
It’s not like I’m making a living over here, but I’m a profitable NFL bettor.
This year? Not so much, as evidenced by anyone who’s read this column all season. Even worse: I love those big parlays, and so help me, I’ve been “one away” about 14,000 times this year.
Luckily(?), I still have two regular-season weeks to get square, or maybe even turn a profit if I can get lucky in a DFS tourney or hit that confounded parlay. (That’s right. Confounded.)
But yeah: limping. And it doesn’t help that last week’s NFL main slate landed on Christmas Eve and this one is landing on New Year’s Day. No excuses, but really, it’s hard to balance work and family this time of year, and adding DFS and betting to the mix is not helping.
Sure, I could’ve taken the last two weeks off, but come on. We all know that wasn’t really an option. I mean, it’s legit unimaginable — not having action on the NFL.
And in case you were wondering, next year isn’t a picnic in this department either. Christmas Eve is a Sunday. New Year’s Eve is a Sunday. Full slates, I’m sure, both days.
How’s this for an idea: A second bye week for each and every team around Christmas. One, it’s a nice thing to do, and two, it would give us all a break, especially those of us who are staring at a giant minus sign in their ledger.
Anyway, enough bellyaching. Complaining about too much football is like complaining about having too much sex while eating too much pizza — no one is crying for you, y’know?
On with the show. May you have a happy and healthy new year, and for the love of all that’s holy, gimme a damn parlay already. Wait until you see what happened to me last week …
The +1000 or more parlay of the week
Let’s see here, did we win last week?
OK then, we’re 0-16, and time is tight.
By the way, I fired off one other big parlay last week. Put it in Sunday morning. D.J. Moore, anytime touchdown at +210. Taysom Hill, anytime touchdown at +230. Josh Allen, anytime touchdown at +145. Derrick Henry … over 150 rushing yards at +290. This would’ve paid +9674 if Henry had rumbled for 24 more yards.
Of course, I could’ve just bet the easy “anytime touchdown” prop on Henry, or just simply used his over number, and I’d have won a handsome +5000 or more. But nope. Had to get greedy. This no-good, terrible, horrible bad beat pretty much sums up my betting card for the year.
So, here we go. I placed this Monday morning, because I wanted to get in on the Panthers before the line moved and because it included Thursday night’s game. Anyway, here is this week’s nonsense at +2015 at DraftKings: Panthers +5.5 over the Bucs, Lions -5 over the Bears, Cowboys moneyline over the Titans, Chiefs moneyline over Denver, Vikings +3.5 over Packers, Giants moneyline over Colts, and 49ers moneyline over Raiders.
A similar bet placed Tuesday was this: Panthers moneyline, Vikings moneyline, Lions -6, and Giants -5.5 at +2041.
This way, we can lose both.
The on-paper, no doubt, three-team teaser that’s bound to lose
Lost again. Down to 3-13. This is gross. Lost so much. So I’m going to bump this to a seven-team teaser at Caesars at +800 in an effort to limp back to even.
Ready? Giants +1 over the Colts, Lions pick ‘em over the Bears, Panthers +9 against the Bucs, Eagles -1 against the Saints, 49ers pick ‘em over the Raiders, Vikings +9 in Green Bay, and under 42 in the Steelers-Ravens game.
I may or may not be cackling like Murdock from The A-Team right now.
This one is looking a little fishy to me
Record down to 5-10-1, as I loved the Lions last week and they predictably got smashed by the Panthers.
This week’s fishy special? The Vikings getting a field goal at Green Bay. Sure, frozen tundra and all that, but it’s going to be relatively balmy 35 degrees, and I don’t trust the Packers to beat anyone — least of all their division rivals, least of all by more than a field goal.
I’ll happily settle for a push here.
Did I win the DraftKings Milly Maker?
OK, no, and I didn’t make any best ball finals either, and as a result I drafted like 80 Underdog playoff best ball teams in a few hours. You might say I went on tilt.
DraftKings play(s) of the week
This is going to be a fun week. How do I know? Because we have our first 13-game slate since forever, it’s late in the year, there is definitely fatigue, and the slate is taking place on New Year’s Day, which means plenty of drunk and/or hungover lineups incoming.
Here’s a short list of players I love-love this week: At quarterback, Justin Fields in the dome against the Lions, a $5K Teddy Bridgewater, and Mike White.
At running back: Brian Robinson, Lenny Fournette, Travis Etienne if we get word the Jags are going full-tilt.
Wide receiver: Drake London, Amon-Ra St. Brown, Richie James Jr., all three Jets wideouts, Christian Watson (assuming he’s healthy — if not, Allen Lazard).
Tight end: Cole Kmet, Jordan Akins, watch the Broncos to see if Albert O. gets a surprise nod if Dulcich is hurt and you’re feeling crazy, Cade Otton, T.J. Hockenson.
Defense: Whatever, but the Packers, Panthers, Patriots.
And … good luck. I’m sure I won’t be anywhere near the leaderboards. I am the Eeyore of the 2022 NFL season.
My mortal lock five star only for my best customers can’t lose guaranteed best bet of the week
I had the Steelers last week. That worked out well. It really did! Took last-minute heroics, but still. So this week, gimme the Panthers and the points.
Yep. Just as I suspected back in the preseason. I’d be taking the Panthers and 3 lousy points against the Bucs. With the division on the line. Yep. Makes sense. Go home, 2022 NFL season. You’re drunk.